Smoove

Ever wondered just exactly what to say to someone you'd like to meet, but couldn't think of anything, so instead you just got in your car and drove away?

I have.

Last year, I was at the UPS store where I rent a box. I was picking something up, and said something mildly humorous, as is my habit when I'm there. I caught a glimpse of a woman over to the side, using a copier or something, who was amused, and she looked up and smiled at me. She had an incredible smile that just beamed at me, and my brain just ceased-up... stopped working... froze. I realized I wasn't breathing, so I restarted that process, took my package and got in my truck. As I started to pull out of my space, out came the woman with the beautiful smile. She saw me, smiled again, and waved! What do I need as far as signals go? How lame am I? I guess I was waiting for her to crawl up onto the hood, and knock on the windshield. I waved back quickly, forgot to smile back at her, and pulled out wondering if she liked my tail lights.
I got about a quarter of a mile down the road, when suddenly out of nowhere, a thought occurred to me. Yes, that's how long it took for my brain to begin to process what had just happened, but I've always been prettier than I am smart. I stepped on the brakes, I thought about turning around and driving back there, top speed, to try and catch her before she left! Then I thought about how retarded that would look, me barreling into the parking lot and blocking her car, so she'd stop, jumping out of my vehicle, racing up to her window, and saying, "Hi, I'm Red Mojo. I was wondering if you'd like to go have a cup of coffee with me?"

To which she would surely reply in a breathy voice, "Oh Red, I was hoping against hope you'd be back to ask me out. That's why I took so long leaving. Of course I'll go with you, after hearing that wisecrack you made inside, I'd follow you anywhere."

At least in my fantasy version that's what she'd say, but it would probably be much closer to, "Hi, I'm late, could you please move your truck?"

I drove home kicking myself for not rolling down my window when she came out smiling at me, and saying "Hey, you come to this UPS store much? I'll be back on Wednesday if you have any more copies to make." Or perhaps something less cornybally but still heading in that direction.

I was actually pretty mad at myself for about a month. Meeting single women in my age group is hard. If I go to the bar, I'll meet someone my age who hangs out in a bar, blechk. I decided I was not going to miss another opportunity. . .

A few months later, I attended the annual gay pride parade with some friends. After the parade we collected in an area to discuss who wanted to eat, who wanted to mingle, shop etc. While this was being hashed out, I noticed a beautiful woman standing near me who looked amazingly like what I thought the first woman I ever kissed 30 years ago, would look like, now. I looked and looked. Is it her? I finally couldn't stand it any longer, and said, "Excuse me, is your name Carol?"

She quickly replied, "No, it's Paula, but it can be, if you want it to be."

I smiled, and said, "Thanks Carol, I appreciate your attitude! Well, I have to go over there now."

I then proceeded to leave her side and run over to my friends who were disbanding to enter the pandemonium. I conveyed the conversation to my friend, as we walked into an endless sea people milling around every which way. By the time I figured out what an idiot I am, and that I should've at least introduced myself, it was too late. My friend and I walked around for an hour trying to find her again, and she was nowhere to be found. Why...why...why...dear God why? When will I learn?