Smoove

Ever wondered just exactly what to say to someone you'd like to meet, but couldn't think of anything, so instead you just got in your car and drove away?

I have.

Last year, I was at the UPS store where I rent a box. I was picking something up, and said something mildly humorous, as is my habit when I'm there. I caught a glimpse of a woman over to the side, using a copier or something, who was amused, and she looked up and smiled at me. She had an incredible smile that just beamed at me, and my brain just ceased-up... stopped working... froze. I realized I wasn't breathing, so I restarted that process, took my package and got in my truck. As I started to pull out of my space, out came the woman with the beautiful smile. She saw me, smiled again, and waved! What do I need as far as signals go? How lame am I? I guess I was waiting for her to crawl up onto the hood, and knock on the windshield. I waved back quickly, forgot to smile back at her, and pulled out wondering if she liked my tail lights.
I got about a quarter of a mile down the road, when suddenly out of nowhere, a thought occurred to me. Yes, that's how long it took for my brain to begin to process what had just happened, but I've always been prettier than I am smart. I stepped on the brakes, I thought about turning around and driving back there, top speed, to try and catch her before she left! Then I thought about how retarded that would look, me barreling into the parking lot and blocking her car, so she'd stop, jumping out of my vehicle, racing up to her window, and saying, "Hi, I'm Red Mojo. I was wondering if you'd like to go have a cup of coffee with me?"

To which she would surely reply in a breathy voice, "Oh Red, I was hoping against hope you'd be back to ask me out. That's why I took so long leaving. Of course I'll go with you, after hearing that wisecrack you made inside, I'd follow you anywhere."

At least in my fantasy version that's what she'd say, but it would probably be much closer to, "Hi, I'm late, could you please move your truck?"

I drove home kicking myself for not rolling down my window when she came out smiling at me, and saying "Hey, you come to this UPS store much? I'll be back on Wednesday if you have any more copies to make." Or perhaps something less cornybally but still heading in that direction.

I was actually pretty mad at myself for about a month. Meeting single women in my age group is hard. If I go to the bar, I'll meet someone my age who hangs out in a bar, blechk. I decided I was not going to miss another opportunity. . .

A few months later, I attended the annual gay pride parade with some friends. After the parade we collected in an area to discuss who wanted to eat, who wanted to mingle, shop etc. While this was being hashed out, I noticed a beautiful woman standing near me who looked amazingly like what I thought the first woman I ever kissed 30 years ago, would look like, now. I looked and looked. Is it her? I finally couldn't stand it any longer, and said, "Excuse me, is your name Carol?"

She quickly replied, "No, it's Paula, but it can be, if you want it to be."

I smiled, and said, "Thanks Carol, I appreciate your attitude! Well, I have to go over there now."

I then proceeded to leave her side and run over to my friends who were disbanding to enter the pandemonium. I conveyed the conversation to my friend, as we walked into an endless sea people milling around every which way. By the time I figured out what an idiot I am, and that I should've at least introduced myself, it was too late. My friend and I walked around for an hour trying to find her again, and she was nowhere to be found. Why...why...why...dear God why? When will I learn?

Micro-Labeling or Lesbian Specialists

It seems a lot has changed in the Lesbian culture, since I was "in circulation". I have been spending some time the AfterEllen.com web page, where the main topic of conversation is how the media has changed towards lesbians since Ellen came out. It is a great source of information on lesbians in TV, movies, on stage, on tour, basically all things celesbian (celebrity lesbian) in nature. They also have forum topics and vlogs that people can comment on. Recently while reading some comments, it became clear to me that a lot of lesbians have sub-divided into smaller categories, and labeled themselves even further. I call these lesbians, specialists.

I hate to sound crotchety here, but when I was young, we were mostly androgynous, some a little to the masculine side, some a little to the feminine, but none of that really mattered. Sure, there were a few couples that did the butch/femme thing. That was considered mimicking heterosexual behavior to most of us, and we didn't want to go there.

I never had trouble finding sexually compatible mates, because pretty much all of us, did pretty much everything! I call these all-around lesbians or versabians.

Now it seems like the girls are putting themselves into categories that limit them sexually, and they have to find oppositely inclined limited partners to fulfill them.

A top needs a bottom! Well, every self-respecting lesbian would certainly want to claim to be a top, so where are all the bottoms?

Even women who are feminine in appearance, are claiming to be tops, really, I'd like to know who the bottoms are.

There are stone butches, hard butches, soft butches, androgen, sporty femmes, femmes, and what? femmy femmes or lipsticks? Does everyone have an equal and opposite match?

Are you kidding me with this?

Attractive versabian seeks same for everything under the sun. Please bring your own toothbrush.

A 4th Grader Scorned!

Ever since I saw Kristanna Loken's character Paige, (ohmigodshe'ssoooohot) in the L-Word, season 4, paired up with Shane, I have rented or watched everything I can get my hands on with Kristanna Loken in it. I've watched The Dark Kingdom, Bloodrayne, & Air Panic are on their way. I've seen several episodes of the tv series, Painkiller Jane, which is really fun, and I'm waiting for Lime Salted Love to be released. She looks better with a little meat on her bones, in Terminator 3, she was awesome, but thin and machine-like.

I'm like a junkie, trying to get my fix. Why am I obsessing over her? I asked myself the same question. I dated a woman for a short time this past fall that looked a lot like her. Actually for me, the woman I dated came first, because I never noticed Kristanna before I met this woman. She's not as tall, Kristanna is 5'11''. She has dark hair and eyes, but the same facial features, the slight cleft chin, the thick yummy lips, the same body type, and they carry themselves similarly. That must be it, I thought. I was extremely physically attracted to this woman, so it made sense.

Then a couple days ago, someone was asking me about when I first knew I was gay. I said, I think I've always known. I found out there was a name for it, and there were others like me, when I was 13, but growing up I always had crushes on babysitters, and teachers, especially in the 4th grade. My teacher's name was SueEllen Aiken. I had one of those wallet sized pictures of her I carried around with me. I put it under my plate when I ate dinner, and I remember my mother teasing me, "You have a crush on your teacher." I did have a crush on her. I got all straight A's that year because I listened to every word she said. I wanted to impress her. She even threw the football with me at recess a couple times, to a tiny lesbian, that's like going steady. She was a goddess, but alas, she broke my heart at the end of the school year when she announced she was marrying some dufus, and moving to one of those square states in the middle of the country. What kind of woman teases you with football, then runs off and gets married?! Oh, the humanity! I was telling this story when a picture of SueEllen came into my head, and I'll be damned if she doesn't look like Kristanna Loken! Wow, sometimes you don't realize just how far back stuff goes. It's crazy, but it's true. I wish I had her picture from back then, so I could post them side by side.

Come to Mama!

The question is...

When do you tell her...you blog? When you meet someone, a romantic interest that is, at what point should you share that you have a blog? This is a question that deserves special consideration for the following reasons:

• Blogging is seen by some, as kind of dorky


• If you tell her too soon, and things don't work out, you can't blog about it


• If you don't tell her for a long time, she may be displeased at your secrecy, and wonder what else you're hiding


• If you tell her at exactly the right moment, she may read your blog, not like it, and think you suck


• If you don't tell her at all, and she finds out, then...you're screwed

So, is there a marker, a definate event, a point at which the telling should be done?

Is it when:

• You're making her eggs after your first night together?


• You've discussed forsaking all others?


• You've moved in together?


• You start looking like each other?

For all of those who read this post and are not lesbians, I should explain the previous bullet points could also be labeled:

• 1st date


• 2nd date


• 3rd date (the one that doesn't end)


• 2 months along

A little help people. Someone throw me a bone.

Off Online Dating

When I became single for the first time in 10 years, and moved back to an area of the country I had not lived in for 25, I considered online dating a reasonable option for meeting other single lesbians. First I just browsed, just looking...thanks. Finally I found a woman I wanted to meet enough, for me to actually pay the fee to join the service. I emailed her, and she answered, I emailed back, this went on for a short while and then she had a family emergency and asked me to continue to email her even though she would not be able to respond for some time. I did for a while, but with no encouragement, I felt ridiculous and found I was now actively fending off several suitors who had no command of the English language. I know I have impossibly high standards, but being able to read, and write, and speak English is not negotiable. I would get emails to this effect, "what R U doin later." I suppose that would be acceptable as a text message, but not as an email. Whether it's stupidity or laziness, I'm not interested!

Next there was another woman who I'd corresponded with for a week or so, and we had determined we'd like to meet. We were in the middle of nailing down the where and when, when she stopped responding, just stopped! I waited a couple days, sent off a light reminder email, still nothing. Then I emailed this, "Hi, Are we done?" No response. I thought she died in a car accident or something. A couple of months later after meeting someone else, who I did decide to date, I was sending out some Thanksgiving Day e-cards and included the woman I suspected was dead in the list of recipients. She replied to the e-card this way. "Hi, I'm in a happy relationship now so please stop trying to contact me."

I responded, "Hi, I am seeing someone as well, I still wanted to wish you Happy Thanksgiving. My bad."

A month or two later, I saw her new picture and profile back on the match. Wow! It became obvious over time that a lot of the people on one dating service, are the same people on the other ones too. It also became clear that many of them are career daters. The same faces there literally for years. I started to make a game of matching them up with each other. Who are these desperate lonely women on a never ending search for love? I decided they were such a pathetic lot I preferred not to add my picture to their ranks.

I ran a profile without a picture for a while, and when someone responded, I'd ask to exchange pictures right away. After all, I'm not looking for an email buddy, I'm looking for a woman to have a relationship with. Attraction is an important part of that relationship. Some women would get offended by that, like it's crass, or superficial. Looks matter, anyone who says they don't is lying. Now I'm dipping my toe in the Chemistry.com site. I don't know if it's any different. It seems a little better, but I haven't joined yet. Just looking...Thanks.

Honestly Mean Funny

I have been feeling a little pigeon-holed by my own blog. Most of my readers are very kind, thoughtful, decent people. I always sensor what I write based on whether I'll offend anyone or not. I have not hidden the fact that I am gay, but I don't talk about it much either. I don't want to make anyone "uncomfortable". That takes a lot of what I think about, read about, watch, and do, out of the picture. Here, although I know they can find this blog, I feel like it's a place I can be more open and honest, and well, thoughtless, in a censorship sense of the word. That being said, I hope that this blog takes on a separate but equal life of it's own.

I can be snarky, and a little mean at times, and if you are easily offended, please go read my other blog. I do not wish to make apologies here.

I think my first post, this introduction aside, will be about online dating sites, such as match.com and chemistry.com. I have a lot to say on the topic, and hope others do as well.