A New Me (Just like the old me, but older)

With all that's gone on in my life recently, I have managed to pack on a few pounds. Depression is not helped by eating every comfort food in sight...but it feels like it will while you do it.
I love things like mac and cheese, fried egg sandwiches, potato chips, ice cream, and have you ever tried Otis Spunkmeyer Chocolate Chocolate Chip Muffins? Oh my!
After you eat these kinds of foods, you are full, but still feel empty, and the weight gain only makes you even more depressed...please pass the pizza.

I have been trying to fight the good fight, but it's hard. I let myself down constantly, making fitness promises, that I never keep. Tomorrow always seems like a great place to start!

Well the good news is, I started yesterday. Today is day two of my new life. Yes, I have managed to string two days together before, but this time...it's different. I am lucky enough to have this amazing friend in my life who has made fitness a science, and he is an amazing success story. I happened to email him and ask for the link to his website, which I had misplaced, explaining that I wanted to list it among the links of my online work-out group. He responded quickly, and asked me to call him as well. I did, and the conversation went something like this

Jimmy: How are you? What's going on?

Me: Oh, I'm just trying to get healthy. I'm kick starting my online work-out group, and want to put your link in there. I've been having a hard time making myself exercise even though I know I always feel better when I do.

Jimmy: What's stopping you?

Me: Maybe I just want my mood to match my situation, not sure.

Jimmy: Hmmm...that's possible. If you were gonna exercise, what would you do?

Me: Well, I prefer to do it outside. I love to hike up steep trails, and eventually run up them, but there are no mountains around here. I have to drive a ways to get to one. I also like to run, or bike, but I'm too out of shape, so it's power walking for now. If I stay inside, I use the rowing machine. I like that too.

Jimmy: What's the weather like today?

Me: Oh, its a beautiful day. I couldn't ask for better weather!

Jimmy: When you walk how far do you go?

Me: Two miles, is what I've been doing lately.

Jimmy: Two miles! Wow! That must feel great! Good for you!

Me: yeah...

Jimmy: Well doesn't it feel great when you do it?

Me: Yes, it does.

Jimmy: How much weight do you want to lose?

Me: A lot...

Jimmy: C'mon tell me, how much?

*I tell him.

Jimmy: Okay that's 2 pounds a weeks for X weeks! X weeks? That's nothing! That's X house payments, you know how fast those come! You can reach your goal in X weeks!!! Tomorrow, walk two miles, then get on the rowing machine for 15 minutes, and you'll feel terrific! I'll call you and see how it went okay?

Me: Okay Jimmy, thanks. I'll do it.

Jimmy: Oh, this is so exciting! Aren't you excited?!

Me: (sheepishly) Yes.

Jimmy: Okay! I'll talk to you tomorrow...

The thing that doesn't come across well here, is the excitement in his voice. He's so cute! Like Richard Simmons, only hot! I did do it, and he did call. He praised me, and encouraged me, and will call again today. He also has great nutritional advice on his site, which I am going to follow as closely as I can. I went shopping yesterday, and bought 'clean' food. I am keeping a food log, and he wants to go over it with me next week, and tweek it for me.

I had given up on ever looking like I used to look, and thought with age comes some extra weight, it's a given. But he's my age, and look at him! I am going for it! I want to be comfortable in the skin I'm in. I feel better already! Isn't it exciting?!

25 Things I Hope I Haven't Told You Before

Yes...that's the spot!

Hey gang! If anyone still comes here...I've been away, probably should have been put away, but that's neither here nor there! It took me 47 years to discover that I do have a breaking point, but I'm slowly building my way back up to where I feel almost viable as a human again. I am living in California now. I have temporarily moved back into the house my ex-girlfriend and I shared for several years. She has been kind enough to give me a starting off point for my new happier life back in sunny California!

The seasonal affect thing was killing me, and that joined forces with a full-blown bout of "your-gonna-be-depressed-even-in-perfect-weather...with-dancing-girls!" That knocked me flat on my mental ass, as it were. It was the problem and the answer all rolled into one! I had to move anyway...so why not back to the place I was not miserable, cold and depressed? Not what you'd call an epiphany, more of a needed morsel of common sense.

I'm here now, and fully expect to have a life again sometime soon. My sweet dog Winston has a torn ACL and needs surgery. It's expensive and I don't have any work yet. I'm not sure whether to pursue a J-O-B, or try to find some work (the kind I do), so I'm going to look for both and see what the universe throws at me, if anything! I know it's tough out there right now, but I don't have to worry about getting discouraged, because realistically, I'm starting from there.

I had all kinds of horrible and funny problems getting moved, and I have an entertaining story about breaking down on the side of the road in Arkansas while driving across the country to share with you once I get rolling again. Until then, I have been tagged with a list of 25 random or interesting things about me, and I like to roll them out now:

1. My stripper name, using that pet and street name formula is Cookie Collins.

2. I had a childhood crush on Doris Day.

3. Wilford Brimley gives me the Heebie-Jeebies.

4. I believe I may make my fortune winning the lottery, or writing erotica.

5. I learned how to fly a plane before I learned how to drive a car.

6. Every report card I got all through elementary school always had the same teacher comment: "Lacks self-control". This convinced me that the teachers only had 5 comments from which to choose, and the other 4 must've been:

Hoards crayons
Wets pants
Makes the line look like a snake
Eats paste

However, I couldn't convince my parents of that, and my father would FRICKEN LOSE IT when he saw that on there.

7. I love without limits, but some restrictions do apply.

8. I have always wanted a tattoo, and I think this is the year I'm going to get one.

9. I tear through a good book but read the last few pages really slowly because I don't want it to end.

10. Those cuffs they put around your arm and pump up to take your blood pressure, make me want to cry.

11. I once took a ladder and climbed up to the slant on the chimney, then jumped to my Mother's open bedroom window, grabbing it and swinging my leg inside, onto her dresser, which caused a huge bruise on my leg, and pulled myself inside, all so I could eat a banana. I'd locked myself out and was starving.

12. My cousin Katy and I used to think it was incredibly funny to read everything from the TV
Guide to the list of ingredients on a cereal box as if we were newscasters.

13. Growing up, whenever I got a new pair of sneakers, I used to pose them just so, and put them where I could see them as I fell asleep. I may still do that, I do love footwear!

14. A Swan chased me once while I was feeding bread to the ducks, I started running backwards, threw the whole loaf at it, but it just kept coming, then I screamed, and then tripped and fell. My step-dad scared it away before it actually started feasting on me.

15. I love corn on the cob, but need to floss immediately after eating it, I mean leave the table and go floss. I can't wait until after desert.

16. I had a pet squirrel named Harold when I was twelve. He lived in the house with us, free to roam around and go outside when he wanted to.

17. I rode a camel while in Morocco. He didn't have the best attitude, but never spat on me.

18. I have a very emotional response to really beautiful music. I get a lump in my throat, and sometimes cry.

19. I played the snare drum in the marching band at my high school. (band geek)

20. I am technology-dependent and wouldn't last a week without my ipod, or my computer.

21. I hear dead people.

22. I don't really hear dead people, but I can't resist injecting humor, even at the most inappropriate times. I can't help it, it's a "love me or leave me" kind of thing. Please don't ask me to write your eulogy.

23. Everyone can tell when I'm lying, my voice gets higher, and my upper lip sweats. I'm not good at poker either.

24. I've often wondered why there is no bean and cheese burrito flavored ice cream.

25. I love to cook delicious meals for people so I can hear them say, "Mmmmm, Oh Tracy, this is sooo good." Is that wrong?

Faux Lesbian Dating Sites

At least one of these girls squealed "eewww" after this photo was taken.

I have been spending wasting Way too much time on Facebook. I have tried to cut down the number of applications that I have so I can get in and out quickly, but I still break down and add more, and more, applications that save the rain forest, and animals, and clean water, and feed people, and fight cancer, and fund research, and stop abuse, and help survivors, it goes on and on. I feel it's the least I can do, but it's really the most I can do, and then some. If I had a full time job right now, there wouldn't be enough hours in the day. That being said, I would like to share an annoying feature of facebook with you.

Facebook knows my sexual orientation, so I am bombarded with these adds constantly. And to be honest, I'm a bit hard pressed to understand who the actual target of these adds is.

Since these are not lesbians, one has to think they are going for straight men. There are several of these on facebook that are advertising a lesbian dating site. I'm thinking the entire website is full of nothing but straight men all pretending to be lesbians! It's really pretty funny when you think about it!

I would love to be a fly on the wall in this dating site just to read some of the emails and see the pictures that all these men are sending each other in the hopes of finding a hot bi-sexual woman who'll consent to sleep with the fake lesbian straight guy and his wife, once he somehow breaks the news to her that he's not a lesbian, and then talks his wife into it. Little does he know, the hot bi-sexual woman is also a straight guy trying to get hooked up in a threesome with two women. Wow! Even I'm confused. The one thing I'm not confused about is the sexuality of the "lesbians" in the photos. Yes, there are feminine lesbians, but please, don't insult me, or my gaydar!

Seven Semi-Revealing Tidbits

Alex the Wry Writer was tagged in one of those horrible obnoxious memes, and was "kind" enough to pass the tag on to moi. This is my stab at it. If it seems random, try reading it from back to front or start in the middle, whatever works.

Da Rules:

1. Link to your tagger and list these rules on your blog:

2. Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog - some random, some weird.

3. Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blog.

4. Let them know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

Now for the list, hang onto your pantyhose, here we go. Gosh this is exciting. Wouldn't it be great to have a drum roll queue up at this point just to build the tension a little bit. I feel a little bit like I'm about to do a strip tease for you, with no music. Where's the fanfare? I'm about to trot out seven tasty bits about myself to you and we haven't even gone out for a nice meal. In a way I feel cheap. Well be that as it may, I guess I should get on with it. I can't stall forever, although teasing you is fun. Alrighty then...without further ado, here they are the seven inconsequential facts about me that I don't think you already know. Hi Mom! Just a shout out to mom in case she's reading this, and she may already know some of the things, in fact some of you will probably know one or two things, but hopefully no one knows all seven, except me of course, and I'll never tell. Just kidding, I'm spilling my guts.

1. My favorite activity as a child was cracking rocks.

2. I'm a gamer. (Word games, board games, adventure games, video games, etc.)

3. I believe there can be more than one great love in my life.

4. There's a bat loose in my house even as I write this.

5. I have an alter ego and she has her own blog not linked to me. She can be completely honest and not worry about what people think of her. Lucky her!

6. Even if I hit the lotto for millions I would still eat mac and cheese every once in a while.

7. Although I am very down to earth, I am willing to abandon reality at a moment's notice.

Not in my seven, and probably widely known, is the fact that I don't always follow the rules, so I will not actively tag seven people, but will instead passively tag you. If you'd like to do this meme, fire away! Please follow all the rules!

Get Ready to Laugh!

If you watched the vice presidential debate and it left you feeling like punching something...watch this!

He Got Me Good This Time

I just found out today that my house is in foreclosure. I thought I was only two months behind, but when I went to make a payment today, the website made me call, and I was told it went into foreclosure on Oct. 1st. The lawyers were supposed to have told me.
I guess I know now what that overwhelming feeling of dread was about. I can rally and pay the past due amount, and lawyers fees, and have my loan reinstated, but I'd have to borrow money from friends and family, and sell stuff to do it, and I'm not willing to do that just to delay the inevitable.

No one is spending money on things that are not necessities right now, and what I do; home remodeling, painting, custom furniture, all of it, is fluff. I made a good run at having my own business and doing what I love. I bought a house that was a little beyond me, and after two and a half years of struggling to make ends meet, the collapsing economy has put the nail in my coffin. I am kaput.

Sure, I could go get a job, but it would have to be a very very good job (one I'm probably not qualified to do) because of the high mortgage. I would have to find a high paying job, or maybe two medium paying or jobs, or four full time low paying jobs, I'm really only limited by the number of hours in the day, so I guess I could realistically only work three full time low paying jobs but then, when would I sleep? No, low paying jobs are out.

When I quit my rather high paying job almost four years ago, to start my own business, I had high hopes, and things went really well for a while. I was getting work, my customers were always happy, most times paying me more than I charged for the work I did. I got a lot of referrals, it seemed like it I was going to be in high demand!

People told me I was brave for striking out on my own. Risking everything, following my dream. Some wished they could be like me. I never considered failure as an option. I dumped my life's savings into my business, and workshop, and home, and set out to succeed. I said, if I can't make a living doing what I love, well, I don't want to find out.

Well kids, I'm about to find out. I will keep you posted, provided my new cardboard box has high speed Internet.

Let Me Off This Ride!

"Let Me Off This Ride!"

A familiar cry to anyone who has ever operated a ride at an amusement park that spins, like teacups or tilt-a-whirl, usually followed immediately by...well, yakking.

I woke up on Tuesday morning and got out of bed and got that you got up too fast feeling, but it lasted for about 10 seconds. I clung to the bed wondering what the heck was going on. It passed, and I dismissed it. Later I was talking to a friend on the phone, I sat on the couch and decided to recline back into the corner, when that sickening dizzy spinning feeling hit me again! It felt like it feels when you've had too much to drink and the room is spinning. Then again when I sat up. Wow, that got old fast! I became very aware of the ways I moved that brought it on, and began to move very very slowly. No help. Still happened.

When I went to bed that night, I was laying on my side and rolled over onto my back. A few seconds later, I felt like I was inside a barrel rolling down a hill. It lasted for about six seconds and that seemed like an eternity. I grabbed the bed, actually frightened. The ceiling seemed to be moving. When it was over, I slowly rolled back to my side and stayed in that position all night. I woke up sore and crippled from not moving all night.

I learned with the help of a friend, and the Internet, that I have vertigo. It has many causes. I am currently on antibiotics to eliminate infection as a cause, and I really hope that's it, and it clears up and goes away. The other causes are not so easily fixed, and would require money and time.

I can do most things, but I have problems when going from lying to sitting or vice versa, feeding the dogs, picking up anything, rolling over, and walking in a straight line is pretty much out too. I seem to lose my balance pretty easily and list a little when I walk. I guess you could say I stagger now. It gives me a queasy feeling in my stomach, probably because I am prone to motion sickness. I have always hated rides that spin, and having one inside my head is not my idea of a good time.

I'm not just telling you all of this just to complain. I merely want to inform you of the symptoms of vertigo, and urge you to go with lactose intolerance, or premature gray, or even halitosis if you have a choice.