Sunday, March 30, 2008
...This was the end of innocence. I'd kissed a woman! I'd been to a bar, had beer, lied to my parents, things would be different from this day forward. That had all happened on a Monday night, yes...a school night. I'd had Katie, and that kiss on my mind for every excruciatingly long minute of everyday, until the weekend finally arrived. She didn't have a phone, so I'd surprise her. I got on my trusty ten-speed, and rode the twenty two miles to the college. My feelings for her could have propelled me to the moon, if that's what it would take to see her again. I didn't know how to get there without spending a little time on the highway. I knew I wasn't supposed to be on it, on my bicycle, but I figured once I was on it, the worst that could happen is a cop might pick me up and take me to the nearest exit, which is where I was going anyway. I might've been wrong about that, but we'll never know, because no one did stop me. I rode like the wind, to the soft sweet lips of my new love.
When I got there, she wasn't there, but was expected back soon. Her roommate I'd met the night of her game, allowed me to come in and wait. She was very nice, and sat and talked to me. She pulled out a bong and took a hit, offered it to me, I politely declined. I was familiar with the stuff because my older sister was something of a pot-head, and got me stoned when I was all of twelve. I had decided after that, that pot wasn't for me. I was an athlete, and I wanted to be healthy.
When Katie arrived home, she wasn't alone. She introduced me to her friend, and expressed her surprise at seeing me. She asked me if I'd like to go for a walk and excused herself. She explained that the woman she'd just introduced me to, was her lover, and she apologized for misleading me with that kiss. She explained that she was attracted to me, and flattered by my attention, but she'd made a mistake. I was crushed. We walked back to the apartment, I saw pieces of my heart caught in the treads of her sneakers being mashed into the ground with each step. My legs became heavy. All I could feel was the cavity where my heart had been, growing larger and larger. I knew I had to get home before it consumed me completely, and the ride home, was ten times longer than the ride there had been.
Friday, March 28, 2008
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
I'm good at a lot of things, but watching TV isn't one of them. I have no problem watching a movie, on a premium channel, so it's not interrupted by commercials. Some people sit transfixed in front of commercials, but my brain looks for something else to focus on immediately, it's like flipping a switch.
Have I checked my email?
Any new comments on my blogs?
Should I throw another log on the fire?
Do I need to move my clothes from the washer to the dryer?
Oh my, I still have dirty dishes in the sink, better clean them up! Next thing you know, I'm toddling off to complete a quick task, and that's where things go wrong. I go downstairs to move the laundry, and while I'm down there, I smell something nasty. I find the source. It's a trash bag that's been waiting too long for me to muster up the enthusiasm to go to the dump. I hate going to the dump, and would trade it for any other household chore, if I had someone to trade with, but I don't. I have to do everything, so I put it in a heavy gauge large plastic bag and take it outside to put in the truck. I notice how dirty my truck is, and realize I haven't washed it in a couple weeks. It has my company name on the door. I have to keep it clean, so I get out the bucket the soap, the telescoping brush and wash it. I should vacuum out the interior. I look for an extension cord, but can't find one. I know I have one out in the workshop. I get to the workshop and see a cabinet clamped up, that still needs doors made so I can deliver it and collect the money. I should get those doors started, I'll need my ipod. That's in the house, I go to get it, and the dogs are all excited to see me because I've been away from them for close to thirty minutes, I let them out. When they come in I give them cookies and realize it's lunch time. I start to look for something to make, and remember that I meant to go to the store. I have to clean up to go, after all I'm single and you only get one chance to make a first impression. I go upstairs to put on a clean (non-paint-covered) shirt, check my hair, brush my teeth, because you can never do that too much, and I'm ready to go. I realize before I leave that I have some outgoing mail to prepare, I need to fill out a deposit slip, write a check, and send back a Netflix movie. I go into my office to get the bank envelope and stamp and see what a clutterfied mess it is in there, it looks like the hall of records threw up. I really need to organize my desk and get these invoices and receipts filed...and so it goes. I'll come back into the room later when something else has started, and try to think of what I was watching when I left, but it's gone. Whoosh, mind-swipe. Whatever it was, it was a complete waste of time. Have I mentioned how much I hate having my time wasted. Well, it's my biggest pet-peeve, almost all the other peeves can be filed under the heading: Time wasted!
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Front: Waking up next to you is the best part of my day
Inside: Man! I had a shitty day!
Front: Congratulations Graduate!
Inside: Welcome to the real world. Have your shit out of here by the end of the week.
Inside: At least five chicks have tried to make out with me.
Front: A little bird told me you haven't been feeling very well...
Inside: For in-depth instruction, and helpful hints, please feel me immediately!
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Halloween came early this year!
Monday, March 17, 2008
Saturday, March 15, 2008
- Go to a blog where political topics are discussed, so posts and comments get pretty heated.
- Choose the right blog, make it someone famous, someone you admire.
- Leave a comment that sort of agrees with what the author has written, but also adds a new idea for people to bat around. That's more interesting than just yes-ing everyone to death.
- When you go back to see what's followed your comment, and you see someone has tried to paint you into a corner, followed by a somewhat scathing comment by the author, do not remain calm. Plan your revenge. Let that famous somebody have it. How dare she call me names like, narrow minded numb nut?
- Don't sink to her level, in fact mention that you won't, pointing out that she has, then explain calmly, but firmly, why her opinion of you is misinformed, and assumptions were made, and conclusions were jumped to, and it's all a big misunderstanding.
- Spend the whole next day wondering in what manner you'll find yourself shredded by one of the sharpest minds in comedy today.
- When you get home, go to the blog...quietly. You weren't blocked, that's something. She probably has people who can do that.
- Find the post and scroll down the comments to see your new torn asshole, and find...an apology, and explanation. It wasn't my comment she was responding to, it was the narrow minded numb nut above me.
- Feel like a complete idiot.
- Apologize back.
This is the true story of what happened to me over at Margaret Cho's blog, on her post titled "Because he's black?"! I did mention that this blog is for the socially retarded, right? I'm the leader!
Disclaimer: A couple days after posting this, it was brought to my attention, that the commenter I presumed to be Margaret Cho, was actually just some random Margaret adding even more embarrassment to the seemingly ever-growing pile!
Thursday, March 13, 2008
If you haven't seen this yet, or more importantly, heard it...Here it is!
Sally Kern is attempting to spread her seeds of hate and ignorance faster than we can spread the "cancer" of homosexuality. So how about it queers? Spread faster! We need to put this one in the win column.
To send a strongly worded letter to Oklahoma Governor Brad Henry, Representative Chris Benge, and Senator Mike Morgan here is a link to The Human Rights Campaign. They have a pre-written letter you can approve and send, and options to edit that, or write your own. If you are as offended and angered by this behavior from an elected official, as I suspect you are; please take some action!
Have a great day spreading your love, Smartassbian
Sunday, March 9, 2008
In sixth grade all the elementary-schoolers came together in a common middle school. That's when I met her. A beautiful, smart, athletic Irish girl with a very Irish name. We'll call her Meghan Flanagan. She and I became friends immediately, and had grown inseparable by the eighth grade. We had a lot in common. We were both very athletic, both honor students, we even both played the drums in the band! I began to notice that when her knee touched mine, or there was any other kind of physical contact between us, I felt all funny inside, a rush would go through me, and make the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. This feeling made me want to increase the amount of physical contact, naturally. It was also about that time in life, when all the other girls our age started to talk about boys constantly, and tried to arrange kissing parties and crap like that. You couldn't even have a conversation with one of them without the subject of boys coming up.
"You know, it's when a boy likes boys, or a girl likes girls, homosexuals!"
Inner conversation: Holy crap, I'm part of something bigger. I'm a homosexual! I'm not the only one, there are others like me. This is great! Where are they? How do I find them?
Rumor had it that the high school PE teacher was queer, and I thought about talking to her about it, but I was too scared. What if she wasn't? What would happen to me, if I told her I was? Would I be kicked out of the girls locker room, unable to participate in sports, forced to where a big orange sign declaring that I'm a sexual deviant and should not be trusted?!
Things were different back then. It was 1974. There was no gay visibility. No role models, no alliances, organizations, community centers, and certainly no Internet! I looked up homosexual in the dictionary, found the words, deviant, pervert, lesbian and Sappho. I went from there, trying to find out about my culture, my social possibilities. Somehow I found some books on homosexuality in the town pharmacy. Too embarrassed and ashamed to buy them, I shop-lifted them, took them home and read them. What I read painted a dark and dismal picture of what my life might be like. Most of the information was about men, and it was explained that data on women was not easily obtained because they were not as visible or accessible. It seems there was also a very high percentage of suicide by lesbians who, because they were catholic, were told they'd burn in hell if they lived their lives as lesbians. Pretty bleak. My take on it was, you also burn in hell for killing yourself, so why not try to enjoy your life? Seemed like the lesbians were all becoming nuns, offing themselves, or living in seclusion with some other lesbian they'd somehow managed to find, or just lots of cats. I wondered if I would ever find anyone I was attracted to, that also happened to be a lesbian. The odds seemed to be against it.
I also was babysitting around that time in my life, and one of the guys I babysat for liked the Penthouse Magazines, and had issues dating back for ten years or so. I would look through them, and occasionally they would have a spread of women pictured together. When I found these, I would cut them out and take them home with me. They went into a drawer at my bedside along with all the stolen books.
My parents arranged for me to see a psychologist, because they had no clue what to do or say. I obliged them, since they promised it would just be the one visit, and it went like this.
Friday, March 7, 2008
Monday, March 3, 2008
Until one fateful day at the office when she and another woman have "eye contact" and the woman, Alicia, senses a connection and asks Caitlin out. They go out drinking, there's a couple minutes of conversation, where Caitlin admits she's in uncharted territory, followed by their first kiss, in public out on the busy New York sidewalk. At this I'm already scratching my head. Okay, this woman has never been with another woman before and is unsure about the whole thing, so...to make her feel more comfortable, I'll take her to a very public place and lay one on her. That should take care of it. Somehow this development does not deter Caitlin, and she comes out to her friends after the second date, and second public kiss, over coffee and danish. They don't bat an eye, and wish her luck. All perfectly normal.
Sunday, March 2, 2008
Today was an exceptional day! The sky was vivid blue, the sun was out, it was not warm, but a little warmer than it has been. Above freezing in any case, and I felt a burst of energy and general sense of well being that I haven't felt in some long dark cold months. I was very productive and happy, singing and flying through a bunch of tasks. I even let my mind wander to the days of the not very distant future when I can get my little convertible out of hibernation and go for a drive, a picnic, fly a kite! Dare I dream of such things?
This has been a long winter for me, and I feel it's heaviness, like one of those lead blankets you wear when they x-ray your teeth, lifting from my body, from my spirit! Spring! Come get me! I'm ready!